Nunca crei que pudiera echaros tanto de menos.

I always thought the next year coming would be the good one. infact it's what happened till this year. My first year at high school is a big failure. First of all because of the classes; i'm not used to study at all, I never learn my lessons either do my homeworks but I always got good marks.. not in all the subjects but still. I choose a good high school for myself so I could get to know cool people and forget the useless ones I knew at school, but the contrary happened. Changing my school I realised I missed my friends so bad and I couldn't see them as much as I thought and seeing them laughing and taking pictures together on facebook or even in the bus, it hurts me because I know I could have been one of those girls smiling all the time, as I did last year at school; but I choose the sad way, I mean I thought the creepers at my school would still being mean at me but I saw they changed in high school and they're nice, but I skipped away and went to a no-known school, I wanted to start a new life and all I did is make myself even more mad at me because 1) I keep telling myself I could have been so happy with my friends; 2) people at this school are weird and judge you too much; 3) they are not that nice. 4) some are nice and i appreciate them but I miss my friends.
Whatever I don't know what i'm saying but Yes... this year is a big shit. It started in a good way and then I realised I wanted to go to another school and hopefully I will go back with my friends next year but I think I might re-do my year and i'm so scared about that. People and teachers always told me I was so smart and that my mum was lucky to have a daughter as me, now I just feel so dumb and I'm so disappointed of myself, I hate myself for not being styding, I just can't! I don't know how to start studying, the only thing that could make me study is someone looking for me, as my aunt do in spain, she's always helping me and forcing me to study but here i'm alone with my mother and she's not the kind of person to ask help to so I just can't study. Plus I lose my best friends this year and knew some bad people that broke my heart so bad, this year I was about to have my first boyfriend, I loved him so much but when I was about to tell him what I felt he asked a girl out, and I really thought he liked me... and now I see how close one of my closest friends is becoming with him, apparently she wouldn't bother her to go out with him. whatever, this year is a completly fail. I feel totally alone, mean, dumb, everything. The only thing making me smile were promotions, but since my favorite bros are not announcing tour dates soon I don't know. then my familly is my happiness. They are the ones making me smile and forget everything but for this I need to fly over spain and I just can't do it as much as I want, it's a school problem, people are judging me because of my absences when all i do looking for a little bit of happiness... i'm a city girl I mean I live near Paris and i've been living in Barcelona 10 years but when I go to my grand parents' I feel free... a little village but perfect; they do not judge you, the way you look is not important and even if they're is some little stories people are always partying! well... I just felt like I needed to write a blog about my feelings. useless blog but hey.. i never said you needed to read it :p.
I will never thank enough my family for being as amazing with me as they are. After all this years without seeing them thats what I needed. I never had an easy family since I hate my father and my mother is pretty weird sometimes, but you always help me to grow up and learn from my mistakes and everytime I think of you not being here anymore I start crying because you are the most important people in my life.
ella x